Boingggg! It’s time to spring clean….

 Blogging for Sanity, sponsored post  2 Responses »
May 282013
 

A strange feeling has taken hold of me. It’s an alien feeling, like something other has taken over my mind. I feel the urge to clean.

Perhaps it’s the glimmer of spring that manifested itself last weekend, perhaps it is the overflow of ‘stuff’ emanating from my cupboards, but I feel the need for a good clear out. So to speak – back in your box the more gutter-brained amongst you ;)

My husband concurs. ‘Tidy house, tidy mind.’images-2

I stare at him, in bewilderment and concern. OMG, he’s actually quoting his mother. Brushing this off with an unnerved shudder, I dismiss the utter claptrap he has just uttered and assess the task ahead.

Stuff on floor..stuff in cupboards…stuff in drawers…stuff stuffed into places that only I know about….and then, there is the cupboard under the stairs….

Deciding I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant (name the series) I resolve to get stuck in.  Several hours and a lot of Radio 4 pass by…..

Ok, so I have now created a series of piles of said ‘stuff’ and am wondering what to do with it?  I look to the oracle that is my husband…

‘Well. You can dump it, charity shop it, sell your stuff online, or recycle it.’

I weigh up my options. Dump it? No. My eco-warrior within stands defiantly, hands on hips. Charity shop? Maybe…but they are so fussy these days! Sell it? Good option…you can sell just about anything and to sate my pricking conscience, I can donate the proceeds to charity. Or, there is recycling. This involves giving away what I can to those who want it and (probably) doing option b or c with the rest.

Of course, in reality, these piles will remain where they are for about two weeks until my husband gets to the point of self-combustion and THEN I will do one of the above.

After that, all that remains is to get a lot more stuff to fill up all that empty cupboard space……

Car Crime

 Blogging for Sanity, sponsored post  8 Responses »
Apr 032013
 
If only they would....

If only they would….

Dear readers, I am writing to report a car crime.  A very serious crime where I am the victim.

And the perpetrator.

I am not sure whether it comes under vandalism, gross negligence or wanton flouting of health and safety, but the interior of my car resembles a skip.  And not one outside a nice semi in Twickenham, but one in the middle of an industrial estate where all and sundry have deposited their grottiest cast-offs.  Yes, that will be my car.

The fact it is immediately cluttered with 3 car seats/boosters does not help.  It’s only a little Polo and with me and the three kids in it, it is already fighting a losing battle.  Stick a wet dog in the back and you might have some idea as to its resident odour….

Prepared for the devastation that would embrace it, I initially armed it with air freshener and a roll of M&S scented bin bags secreted in the hidden drawer under my seat.  I even bought (against all good sense) one of those clip-it-on-the-back-of-the-seat hold everything type things, that look marvellous in the Jo-Jo Maman Bebe catalogue, but when fitted droop off the back of the car like aged cleavage, thus taking up even more precious space.  They hold…erm..a few thin books and not a lot else.  Once you’ve rammed it to the gills with wipes, water bottles, muslins, toys, colouring books, crayons and emergency snacks it just groans weakly before vomiting everything back on to the floor of the car, which is possibly the best place for it seeing as it is the only space left vacant.

Clearly NOT my car, but what it is supposed to look like. Look at the seats *weeps*

Clearly NOT my car, but what it is supposed to look like. Look at the seats *weeps*

I am actually quite diligent in having a weekly(ish) scoop up of all rubbish into one of my lavender-fragranced bags, but what I really don’t understand is the grotty, nibbly, fluffy, gritty stuff that gathers in the folds of the gear stick, deposits itself under the flappy bits of the always too small cup holders and works its way into the crevices of the seats.  Two questions:  a) what the hell is it? and b) where the hell does it come from?  The stickiness I can account for (sweets, juice, discarded lollies and the remanents of an enormous meringue that I bought my son and decided my car after school would be the optimum time to give it to him). So yes, stickiness I can hold my children culpable for…but the inordinate amount of dusty crud….no idea.

My friend got in the car the other day (who is VERY tidy) and I wouldn’t let her in until I’d found a blanket she could sit on.  ’I don’t need that!’ she chuckled.  Then I lifted off the booster seat from the passenger seat and revealed two blobs of unidentifiable never-to-be-removed white stuff, a penny, a discarded kinder egg pod, a polly-pocket dress, sweet wrappers and an infinite amount of aforementioned cruddy stuff.

She sat on the blanket.

Wracked with guilt and self-disgust, last weekend my husband and I spent a fraught half hour in John Lewis looking for a wonder-device that would clean my car and make it considerably less revolting.  The miele vacuum? A hand-held Dyson?…..Is there ANYTHING out there that could tackle my car?  Our perusing was cut short by our three children who were baying to play in the demo iPads and get to the cafe.  Apart from H who, age 3, just wanted to run as far away as possible and scream as loudly as possible. We gave up/in and went for a cup of tea.

So, my car sits outside my house like the vehicle of doom.  Frightening passengers, housing all sorts of crap in its nooks and crannies and emitting eau de landfill to all who enter in.

Too embarrassed to take it to be valeted, this weekend I plan to attack it without mercy.  There will be screaming (mine), there will be retching (again, me) and there will be a trip to Halfords cleaning and refreshing aisle.  And if, nay when, she is once again presentable to the outside world, there may even be a full wash and wax (yes, me again…oh, no *ahem* sorry, I mean the CAR).

Please tell me I am not the only one whose car ends up like this….anyone?

Tiny Twisted Tales

 sponsored post  2 Responses »
Feb 142013
 

I was recently sent some books to review by publishers My Little Big Town, who are very keen to publish books children actually want to read.  This may, of course, make the more traditional amongst you recoil in horror, but as a teacher and a parent I see how important it is to get children engaged in books and reading and I’m afraid times, they are a-changing.  ’The Secret Garden’ just isn’t working its magic any more.  My son takes no interest in the classics, but give him a book involving bodily functions and he is putty in your hands.  So, it was with great interest that I awaited the books that My Little Big Town was sending me.

Enclosed in the package were three books by Calvin Innes from the Tiny Twisted Tales series.  My eight-year old daughter saw them on the table and exclaimed ‘Ooh!  I’ve read one of these at school!’ and then picked up one of the other titles and started to read.  Always a good sign.

NewcoverSTBEMThe titles sent to me were ‘Jenny’, ‘Pale Henry’ and ‘Stuart the Bug Eating Man’.  I am going to review the latter, but it was Pale Henry that my daughter had previously enjoyed and enthused about, so that may be next on my list.

The title tells you all you need to know about the storyline.  Forget ‘I’m a Celebrity’, this guy actually enjoys eating bugs, and plenty of them!  Written in rhyme and with an illustration at every turn of the page, the book provoked many laughs and a good few ‘eughs’ too!  Wittily written and fast-paced, Innes tells the tale of Stuart, who eats all sorts of creepy crawlies and firmly believes “it’s the wriggly ones that taste the best.” His long-suffering wife, fed up with the “centipede sandwiches”, “juice, made of slugs all ground down” and Stuart’s lack of employment, tells him to get a job and help pay the bills.  So Stuart spends the day in his shed and comes up with the perfect solution!

I read it to my children who loved it and made me return to the more grisly bits to read again. And again. Reminiscent of Dahl’s ‘Revolting Rhymes’, I recommend this to those of you whose children revel in the repugnant.  The rhyme and clear font make it an easy read and, in my opinion, it is most suitable for children aged 5-10.  Just don’t read it before eating…..

 

 

May the Force be with you….

 sponsored post  9 Responses »
Feb 052013
 
Eye

I spy with my little eye….

In the modern-day of gadgets, screens and cyberspace it is refreshing to play a few old-fashioned, time-honoured games which involve nothing but a few willing participants. These games are, I often find, best played in moments of extreme boredom and/or desperation. I-Spy is one such past-time. Starting with colours (something that is…red) and, as my children learn to read, moving on to phonics (something that starts with….B). We are wont to play it in doctor’s waiting rooms, Pizza Express and on looong journeys.  Having three kids, all of whom seem to have inherited my competitiveness, I have learned through bitter experience to take turns in having a go and not let the guesser get the next turn.  Otherwise your eldest child will rule the roost and take great satisfaction in gloating over the weeping younger siblings.

Car games are always the best.  Aside from I-Spy we play visual bingo which is who can spot certain, carefully chosen things such as a slippery road sign (my son’s favourite) or a living animal (we get a lot of road kill around here).  This is, I unsuccessfully stress to them, not a competition, but a joyous observation game we can do as a team.  Yeah, I know…

rightThe favourite game to play in the car is The Lorry Game.  This is not great for young children, so my husband and I usually play it when the kids are asleep and all our *ahem* stimulating conversation has ceased.  It involves us choosing four lorries (only one supermarket allowed) and getting one point every time you spot one of your lorries and if you get all four, then the game is over.  We have been playing this for years and so my four lorries are firmly established.  Waitrose (I remain loyal), Norbert Dentressangle (although I can’t pronounce it), Argos (surprisingly frequent) and my pièce de résistance, Royal Mail or Parcelforce (who are diligently delivering parcels all over the UK and boosting my score no end).  If you want to play, the lorry has to pass you (either side of the road) and be moving not parked.  Try it – honestly the M1 has never been so exciting….

One last game, which is always a goodie, is what we call Amazon Zulu.  Basically going through the alphabet in turns and trying to name different categories of things..fruit, breeds of dog, pop groups…that sort of thing.  Good one to play with the kids or as a drinking game – such versatility!

Now, if you are sitting there thinking…crikey, the long winter evenings must just fly by in that household….don’t judge me.  I don’t get out much.  And I do like to win.  Yes, even against the kids.

 

The Time Warp…

 Blogging for Sanity, sponsored post  10 Responses »
Jun 262012
 

david tennant dr who…otherwise known as The Internet.  Whether you go on to check your emails, compare car insurance, do a spot of blogging or, the worst one of the lot, have a ‘quick’ browse on eBay it is NEVER a 5 minute stint.  In fact, by the time I look up my tea has gone cold, my toddler’s had her next birthday and there’s a large cobweb formed between my left elbow and the top of the chair.  Honestly, it is like logging on to a time warp. I keep expecting Dr Who (Tennant, of course) to creep up behind me and….Oops, sorry.  That’s a different blog post altogether.

The other day I went on to post my Silent Sunday and  #SnapHappyBritMums photo.  It was early in the morning and Son had me up at the crack of dawn.  He wanted to watch a film and lazy parenting ahoy, I agreed.  Next minute he was tugging my arm asking for breakfast…the film had finished!  I’d spent an hour and a half on the laptop without flinching and it only seemed like 10 minutes!  Uploading is speedy, my typing is fast so (not wanting to sound like my least favourite CBeebies program) Where does the time go?  It’s like the internet dementors are sucking your soul whilst you type….drawing you in further and further until they control us through our laptops.  I really should write a Dr Who episode….

I have now recognised the fact that I am an internet junkie, or as I prefer to be called, a mousewife (see my earlier post for a full definition).  And they say recognition is the first step to combat addiction.  So I am making a pact with myself to limit my laptop time.  A bit of self-regulation and not far off from what I tell my children.  ’When you’ve tidied up and made your bed then you can play’.  I might set myself a daily alarm that activates everyday at about 10am that says ‘Step away from the laptop’.  And then another 5 minutes later that says ‘And put your iPhone down immediately’. Who knows.  It might even work…

Doubt it, though.

“For the rain it raineth every day” Shakespeare. Poet and prophet….

 Blogging for Sanity, sponsored post  8 Responses »
Jun 112012
 

I am British and I feel quite at liberty to talk about the weather.

It’s bloody awful, isn’t it?

I am now officially fed up with the constant rain and having to talk myself out of flicking the heating on to warm the house up.  The gods did heed my (anti) rain dance and gave us a lovely day on Saturday for BFF’s wedding, but as soon as the clock struck midnight the spell was broken and a chill filled the air; the glittering coach changed back to a rather ordinary S-Max and my golden slippers just looked at bit muddied at the heel and were kicked off with the utter joy that only a night’s dancing in heels can trigger.

What is most irksome is how cold it is too.  It is bad enough that I have to wear myraincoat.  It may be a nice red Joules one, but the velcro is from the devil’s own device and rips into anything I wear underneath or happen to brush against.  I whisked my wrist past it and it actually made me bleed.  Bloody stuff.  Anyway, as I was saying, the mac is bad enough, but I am also having to layer up to brace the chill factor.  It’s JUNE for goodness sake!  My evenings should involve sipping Pimms in the garden whilst admiring the flora and fauna NOT huddled on the sofa with a blanket, a cup of tea whilst playing bingo on the internet.  BFF and I agree – we’re not expecting the tropics but the ability to leave the house without wet weather gear in tow would be a start.

After having a good moan, I always like to weigh up the situation, so I made a list of current weather pros and cons:

PROS

No need to water the garden.

Plants are thriving.

No need to wear hideous summer wardrobe that merely shows off all one’s wobbly bits.

Drought averted (I hope).

Good excuse as to why we can’t go to the swings.

The perplexing need for everybody to barbecue is abated.

School cricket matches are cancelled which means Husband is home before 7pm on a Wednesday.

Less urgency for fuzz-free legs and shiny toenails.  

No need to wear or apply sun cream to the kids every morning.  Factor 50 can only be successfully removed from hands with a tub of swarfega.

No point in washing car.

CONS

Housebound.

Kids keep asking to go to *shudders* an indoor play centre.  

Plants have gone bananas (metaphorically speaking, not literally alas.  That would be a HUGE pro!).  In same vein, grass cannot be cut and is knee-high.

Everybody is moaning.  Including me.

Summer is no different to winter, which is depressing.

When it’s cold I eat more.  Dammit.

My hair goes frizzy in the rain and I start looking a bit like Charlie Dimmock.

Wet dogs are even smellier than usual.

I have lost the rain covers to both my prams.

School drop off/pick up (with 2 year old in tow) is a NIGHTMARE.

All school/local/jubilee fetes a wash-out thus ruining hours of community effort and hard-work.

Roads more dangerous.  There’s an awful lot of dead badgers adorning the hedgerows around here. (not sure if that;s due to rain, but thought i would point it out anyway).

So there you are.  The cons outweigh the pros in my humble opinion.  Only just though - interesting…… *rubs chin quizzically*

p.s.  I was enlightened when reading the poem from which my blog title is taken, that Shakespeare seems to have invented the phrase ‘toss-pot’.  Just thought I’d share that little bit of trivia…..